The end of an era

For a person as insanely impulsive as I am, I have rarely looked back. For things big and small, life-altering and mundane, I generally go with the flow, and don't ponder much. However, for the past 14 days, I am carrying an enormous regret, and I am attempting to put my feelings in words in the hope that I find a path forward from this guilt.

I'd been working on a Telugu song. I was about half way there, and babayyagaru (dear uncle) was at the top of my list of mentors to talk to as soon as I got done with the first draft. On Tuesday, April 2nd, I got a friend's request from his Facebook account. I was hustling the girls out the door for school when I saw it, accepted it instantly, knowing that I was going to pick up the phone and talk to him that weekend. On Friday, April 5th, he passed away. I have been in denial ever since, and have blocked my mind from opening the floodgates of sadness, regret and guilt.

It was the summer of 2021, easily some of the darkest days for my family, having lost both my in-laws to Covid. We were processing the grief, desperately looking for any sign of light to pin our hopes to. The moment my sister casually mentioned the name of his son and the fact that he worked for Intel, hope and positivity hit me like the first rays of sun after a cold and dark night. I animatedly looked him up and reached out to him on Intel Teams.

"I am a big fan of your dad's work. Do you live in Portland? Is your dad with you? Can I meet with him? Can I invite him over for dinner? Can he talk to my children? Can he visit our school? OMG, can he be the chief guest for the Telugu school graduation ceremony?"

Thus went my initial messages to his son. I was deflated to learn that neither babayyagaru himself nor his son lived in Portland anymore, and that they were both back in Hyderabad. My disappointment was quickly replaced by my excitement for plan B with him:

"Can I talk to him on phone? Can I tell him how much I admired his work, growing up? Can I do an online interview with him? Host a YouTube show?"

I then embarked on a literary journey that will forever remain in my fondest memories. For almost eight weeks, I talked to him every day. I got to know how he wore his heart on his sleeve. I experienced his unparalleled command of Telugu language and his rib-tickling wit. I learnt the tragic story of how he lost his father, and about how for over a decade he had been living in the fond memories of his beloved wife, proud of all that she meant for him and his children. 

In those couple of months, I went from just being a fangirl of the veteran newsreader Shanti Swarup garu, to addressing him as babayyagaru, and meaning it with all my heart. I even got to meet with him on my last trip to India and take his blessings. Oh how I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to him, just one more time! How I wish I could tell him just how much those months of our daily interactions meant to me! How I wish I finished editing all of my videos with him and shared the youtube links with him! This guilt has been eating me up. I know one thing for sure. Heaven's just got richer in Telugu and smarter from his flawless news reporting. 

ఐదులు పదిచేస్తూ ...కైమోడ్పులు I fold my fives into ten with respect- A phrase he taught me.

So long, babayyagaru!