"Yay, WE WON! We are the champions!"- I sent that to my friends from work moments after the FSU Seminoles clinched National Football championship earlier this year, obviously psyched from the game night adrenaline. Among the various congratulatory notes I received in reply was one that said "Yeah, that was a key block you made on the defense line there". A few weeks later, I watched Virat Kohli hit the winning runs against South Africa to take India to the finals of T20 world cup and bragged about it at lunch- "WE are in the finals of cricket world cup!". "Yeah, you did a great job hitting those winning runs"- the friend replied. Most recently, after Damian Lillard shot that epic three pointer at the last three tenths of a second to advance Blazers in playoffs, I got a very similar reply to my "Yay, WE won" style bragging. "Yes, that was a great shot you had there". This third time I finally realized what this friend was trying to tell me. I was taking credit for an accomplishment to which I made absolutely no contribution! My friend obviously was joking all along but he got me thinking of this harmless, subconscious, and undue stealing of thunder with the use of my WE in all my bragging.
Turns out, these automatic credit claims are everywhere! I was reading Cinderella to Raaga the other night. It mentions "ugly stepsisters" several times. I tried to not read that part out after the first time but by then Raaga was already laughing at the pointy chins* those step sisters are shown to have in the illustrations. I read an interview of Bollywood actress Kareena Kapoor where she said her height is her biggest asset. We often tell Raaga that she will grow big and tall like adults if she makes good food choices. Last year, she actually said as much to my mom who stands at 4'10"- "Ammamma, you are so small, may be you need to eat more vegetables!". We just chuckled and left it at that. Recently, a friend we ran into at a grocery store complimented on how tall Raaga looks for her age. Raaga said "Thank you". I was pleased with her manners at the time. But now I wonder, by saying thanks, is my four year old taking all the credit for how tall she is? I can almost hear her telling herself "thank you, I am so tall because I ate all those carrots and broccoli". Did those two step sisters of Cinderella personally chisel their chins* to be pointy so they can look ugly? Did Kareena Kapoor meticulously pick the very chromosomes that constitute her DNA to make her as tall as she grew up to be? Did my daughter carefully avoid any of her mom side of genes to end up in the 90th percentile for height? Obviously not. So why am I feeding her this incorrect information about food choices and growing tall? I made a mental note to introduce the concepts of genes and diversity to my daughter in earnest. And never to read Cinderella again or at least skip the ugliness of the stepsisters.
What must one reply when someone says "you have pretty eyes!"? Thank you? As in, "Thank you, I myself picked that almond shape and those black eyeballs for me"? Or how about when someone says "you have a beautiful smile"? "Thank you, I worked on those cheek bones and jaw structure myself!"? Thankfully I don't have to deal with such difficulties much in life :). I was the dusky child in a family that considered lighter skin a basic requirement for beauty. I distinctly remember a conversation that took place between my two aunts when I was very young. One aunt had just made an observation of my sister's beautifully light skin. The other aunt who noticed my presence in the same room was perhaps trying to make me not feel bad- she kept insisting on how I was super fair as a baby, even fairer than my sister. I don't really remember how that made me feel then. But I cannot stop thinking about the whole concept now. Did all the darker skinned siblings do something horribly wrong while in their mothers' wombs to turn out to be dusky? Maybe they should have had "Fair and Lovely" instead of rice cereal as an infant? Gotten bleach treatments at the same time as getting braces? Speaking of it, a bleach treatment was strongly recommended for me before my wedding so I look lighter on my big day. Even my 'fair' sister was asked to eat saffron with milk when she was pregnant so her kid would be fair! Both my nieces are very light skinned- may be I should compliment my sister on that! (I do know for a fact that she did not eat saffron during either pregnancy though). My sister and I still laugh at that saffron suggestion.
In all seriousness, I do understand the magic of compliments. A genuine appreciation of a person's appearance, accomplishments and successes will go a long way in boosting their morale. I am all for lavish compliments- giving and receiving :). Most adults have the maturity to take compliments the proper way. I just realize the need to adjust those compliments slightly when young children are the recipients. I should remember to say something like "that outfit looks so good on you, you made a good choice" instead of "You look so pretty". And never to compliment kids on things they have no control over- height, skin color, hair texture etc. I certainly don't want Raaga to grow up thinking that the cute little birth mark she has on her cheek by her left ear that I absolutely adore is somehow her own accomplishment!
*: Had the incorrect mention of pointy noses previously. What's so wrong with pointy noses or chins anyway. :)
Turns out, these automatic credit claims are everywhere! I was reading Cinderella to Raaga the other night. It mentions "ugly stepsisters" several times. I tried to not read that part out after the first time but by then Raaga was already laughing at the pointy chins* those step sisters are shown to have in the illustrations. I read an interview of Bollywood actress Kareena Kapoor where she said her height is her biggest asset. We often tell Raaga that she will grow big and tall like adults if she makes good food choices. Last year, she actually said as much to my mom who stands at 4'10"- "Ammamma, you are so small, may be you need to eat more vegetables!". We just chuckled and left it at that. Recently, a friend we ran into at a grocery store complimented on how tall Raaga looks for her age. Raaga said "Thank you". I was pleased with her manners at the time. But now I wonder, by saying thanks, is my four year old taking all the credit for how tall she is? I can almost hear her telling herself "thank you, I am so tall because I ate all those carrots and broccoli". Did those two step sisters of Cinderella personally chisel their chins* to be pointy so they can look ugly? Did Kareena Kapoor meticulously pick the very chromosomes that constitute her DNA to make her as tall as she grew up to be? Did my daughter carefully avoid any of her mom side of genes to end up in the 90th percentile for height? Obviously not. So why am I feeding her this incorrect information about food choices and growing tall? I made a mental note to introduce the concepts of genes and diversity to my daughter in earnest. And never to read Cinderella again or at least skip the ugliness of the stepsisters.
What must one reply when someone says "you have pretty eyes!"? Thank you? As in, "Thank you, I myself picked that almond shape and those black eyeballs for me"? Or how about when someone says "you have a beautiful smile"? "Thank you, I worked on those cheek bones and jaw structure myself!"? Thankfully I don't have to deal with such difficulties much in life :). I was the dusky child in a family that considered lighter skin a basic requirement for beauty. I distinctly remember a conversation that took place between my two aunts when I was very young. One aunt had just made an observation of my sister's beautifully light skin. The other aunt who noticed my presence in the same room was perhaps trying to make me not feel bad- she kept insisting on how I was super fair as a baby, even fairer than my sister. I don't really remember how that made me feel then. But I cannot stop thinking about the whole concept now. Did all the darker skinned siblings do something horribly wrong while in their mothers' wombs to turn out to be dusky? Maybe they should have had "Fair and Lovely" instead of rice cereal as an infant? Gotten bleach treatments at the same time as getting braces? Speaking of it, a bleach treatment was strongly recommended for me before my wedding so I look lighter on my big day. Even my 'fair' sister was asked to eat saffron with milk when she was pregnant so her kid would be fair! Both my nieces are very light skinned- may be I should compliment my sister on that! (I do know for a fact that she did not eat saffron during either pregnancy though). My sister and I still laugh at that saffron suggestion.
In all seriousness, I do understand the magic of compliments. A genuine appreciation of a person's appearance, accomplishments and successes will go a long way in boosting their morale. I am all for lavish compliments- giving and receiving :). Most adults have the maturity to take compliments the proper way. I just realize the need to adjust those compliments slightly when young children are the recipients. I should remember to say something like "that outfit looks so good on you, you made a good choice" instead of "You look so pretty". And never to compliment kids on things they have no control over- height, skin color, hair texture etc. I certainly don't want Raaga to grow up thinking that the cute little birth mark she has on her cheek by her left ear that I absolutely adore is somehow her own accomplishment!
Don't we look pretty? ;)
*: Had the incorrect mention of pointy noses previously. What's so wrong with pointy noses or chins anyway. :)
Love reading your posts Jyothy. Very thought provoking..time to change our natural instincts and think a little deeper on the way we talk with our little girls.
ReplyDelete