A few weeks ago, I posted on Facebook about a test (Japanese Abacus-Math) my 6yr old took and how graceful she was about accepting the results there. Here is the (real) story behind it.
I know those Abacus competitions aren't easy. Raaga had not exactly been the most motivated Abacus learner that term. She struggled to complete her weekly homework let alone be a contender for any of the prizes there. I dreaded the major meltdown she would have for not winning the trophy. For days prior to that competition, I put her on a healthy dosage of Bhagvad Gita* style preaching. I tried to beat it into her that she should focus on the preparation and not on the outcome. Bottom line was- I just did not think she could win it. That she proved me wrong and won a prize that day is a discussion for another day. What I would like to emphasize is that she was at her best behavior the whole time, composed, graceful and sportive even when disappointed about not winning.
Yesterday, there was a Telugu spelling bee organized by Portland Manabadi (Telugu School). Raaga loves this competition. In my Telugu class, she is one of the better spellers. She won the "speller of the day" honors many times, outperforming some of the older kids in class. She has been sincerely practicing writing Telugu words for the past few weeks. I was impressed with how well she could write even some of the more complicated words. As I always do, I promised to get her a present regardless of what happens on the day of the test to reward her preparation. However, I myself had relatively higher expectations of her making it to the final round of the spelling bee than I had of her winning at the Abacus competition.
On the day of the event, Raaga was restless through out breakfast and picture taking that went on before the competition began. She just could not wait for it to start. When it finally started, in the fourth round, she got the word డంబము. She heard it (and wrote it) as డంవము. It is super simple, without any complicated vottulu (accents). On any other day, she would have breezed through this word like it is nobody's business. But at that instant, it wasn't to be. She got eliminated. She was overcome by this immense disappointment and started weeping for the next hour. I have not seen her cry so much since she was out of diapers. I felt so helpless.
I also saw at least three other kids in tears at the competition due to their disappointment from getting eliminated. I have been associated with these children for many months and I know them all personally. They are all just as exceptional in their Telugu as I think Raaga is with her writing. It broke my heart to see them cry. I had some deep thoughts all night as to whether such competitions and the huge disappointment that invariably comes from not winning is worth it for our little ones. The practical side of me thinks that it is necessary for them to learn to deal with it early on. The mommy side of me thinks that it is too early and can wait a few more years. The logical side of me thinks that the competitions themselves are great. It is the expectation of always winning that needs to change. And this change is needed from both parties- kids and the parents.
Logical me wins in this competition between my many selves. There are some singing and dancing competitions coming up next weekend. Back to Bhagvad Gita* style preaching in my household!
*कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन
*You control your actions, but not their outcome.
I know those Abacus competitions aren't easy. Raaga had not exactly been the most motivated Abacus learner that term. She struggled to complete her weekly homework let alone be a contender for any of the prizes there. I dreaded the major meltdown she would have for not winning the trophy. For days prior to that competition, I put her on a healthy dosage of Bhagvad Gita* style preaching. I tried to beat it into her that she should focus on the preparation and not on the outcome. Bottom line was- I just did not think she could win it. That she proved me wrong and won a prize that day is a discussion for another day. What I would like to emphasize is that she was at her best behavior the whole time, composed, graceful and sportive even when disappointed about not winning.
Yesterday, there was a Telugu spelling bee organized by Portland Manabadi (Telugu School). Raaga loves this competition. In my Telugu class, she is one of the better spellers. She won the "speller of the day" honors many times, outperforming some of the older kids in class. She has been sincerely practicing writing Telugu words for the past few weeks. I was impressed with how well she could write even some of the more complicated words. As I always do, I promised to get her a present regardless of what happens on the day of the test to reward her preparation. However, I myself had relatively higher expectations of her making it to the final round of the spelling bee than I had of her winning at the Abacus competition.
On the day of the event, Raaga was restless through out breakfast and picture taking that went on before the competition began. She just could not wait for it to start. When it finally started, in the fourth round, she got the word డంబము. She heard it (and wrote it) as డంవము. It is super simple, without any complicated vottulu (accents). On any other day, she would have breezed through this word like it is nobody's business. But at that instant, it wasn't to be. She got eliminated. She was overcome by this immense disappointment and started weeping for the next hour. I have not seen her cry so much since she was out of diapers. I felt so helpless.
I also saw at least three other kids in tears at the competition due to their disappointment from getting eliminated. I have been associated with these children for many months and I know them all personally. They are all just as exceptional in their Telugu as I think Raaga is with her writing. It broke my heart to see them cry. I had some deep thoughts all night as to whether such competitions and the huge disappointment that invariably comes from not winning is worth it for our little ones. The practical side of me thinks that it is necessary for them to learn to deal with it early on. The mommy side of me thinks that it is too early and can wait a few more years. The logical side of me thinks that the competitions themselves are great. It is the expectation of always winning that needs to change. And this change is needed from both parties- kids and the parents.
Logical me wins in this competition between my many selves. There are some singing and dancing competitions coming up next weekend. Back to Bhagvad Gita* style preaching in my household!
*कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन
*You control your actions, but not their outcome.
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| Before the Spelling Bee, all smiles. |
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| After getting eliminated, receiving the participation plaque from Veena Aunty. Can you tell she cried her eyes out just an hour before this? |
My father beat it into my head that "Journey towards an objective is the only reward. Everything else is a by-product. The same world (either outsiders who clap for us or the insider ego that sets up our expectations) judge us with the end-result that causes superficial elation or sorrow." He always relished with me in the 'journey' and role-modeled in living the bliss (+ hardwork) and downplaying the end-result.
ReplyDeleteAlso I just heard a counselor say last evening --- Children absorb everything until age of 8-9 yrs. It is best to acquaint them with the the higher self at this time. We juxtapose our judgement on their ability to understand while we as adults spend all our lives trying to understand why we have turned out the way we have :)
ReplyDeleteCheck out the Art of Living's Art Excel program for kids....I have heard that it is a fun-course for children to learn how to deal with expectations and disappointments....
ReplyDeleteThanks Shantha bhagini! It is interesting to see their unfiltered processing of their environment. I had asked Raaga later why she was so sad at the bee. She said she was sad to see the look on my face after she wrote that word. I tried my best to look encouraging/positive but she apparently picked up the tinge of disappointment I failed to contain. It is as much a lesson for me as it is to her.
ReplyDeleteJyothy, it is certainly a lesson for us parents to not show our disappointment or say anything that hints disappointment. Adhira didn't allow us to watch her contest for the same reason:(. Winning is definitely a boost but depends on several factors that are beyond our control. It's best to learn this at an early age than later in life:).
ReplyDelete